How to Become an Olympian (wikiHow Review)
(with Pictures)
Recently, I’ve read some really well-written, thought-provoking pieces of literature. Rather than reviewing those, or finishing my overdue monthly media recaps, I thought I’d review this almost completely useless wikiHow article instead.
Note: All of the screenshots in this blog are from wikiHow and are exclusively owned by wikiHow. Please do not sue me wikiHow. I’m not sure what they’d sue me for but it just seems like something they’d do. Please note I once got drunk and donated $3 to save Wikipedia so I am actually an ally and would never do anything to harm the integrity of this site.
If you’re wondering why I ended up on this page, let me explain. 10% of me wanted to see if I’ve well and truly cooked my goose by not becoming an Olympian. Unfortunately, both mine and Sylvia Plath’s athletic figs have long since dropped from the tree. The other 90% of me wanted to genuinely understand the process of how you apply for the Olympics. I am pleased say to none of my questions were answered in the slightest and I had an excellent time regardless.
P.S This was a super long article with like 3 different sub-articles so the numbers are all out of whack. Bear with.
Fig. 1 :
Read to filth.
The tone of this immediately begs the question, who wrote this article? Which of these scenarios is true:
A) an actual Olympic athlete voluntarily sitting down to write this article for free simply to stunt on us mere mortals
B) a non-olympic athlete who for some ungodly reason wanted to write the most hypocritical and condescending piece of Olympic literature to date, and later cried himself to sleep.
I wasn’t even eating a bag of chips while reading this - I was actually eating a tuna toastie, and tuna is famously gym bro brain food, so I could be well on my way to becoming an athlete with the amount of omega-3 currently flowing through my veins, I will have you know.
Fig. 2:
Sorry. WHAT.
For some reason, I thought the world’s most impressive athletes, whomst universities and other rich institutions love to parade around, would be actually getting paid for being some of the most talented and hardworking people on the earth.
WRONK!!
It is actually criminal to me that your financial advisor could have won a gold medal for Olympic breakdancing and would still have to clock in everyday to tell you to stop buying avocado toast and start saving for a house.
Let’s read that again:
IT’S SO COMMON FOR THE PARENTS OF OLYMPIC HOPEFULS TO GO BROKE THAT THE US GOVERNMENT IS LOOKING INTO A PROGRAM TO HELP THEM!?
The same government that famously doesn’t look into programs to help anyone? This is deeply alarming to me.
Fig. 3:
I did not know that Kim Kardashian had a sidehustle as a wikiHow Ghostwriter, but here we are. That’s just one of the many secret jobs she has when she gets her ass up and works.
Although it would seem Kim Kardashian is not the only celebrity adding her 2 cents to this piece…
Fig. 4:
My first thought about Jake P was: I wonder how much Big Wikipedia paid him to lie about reading this article 6 times when reading it once was physically painful. My second thought was… Oh my god.
With a simple Google search of “Jake P Olympics,“ I located Jake P’s true identity. Why am I not surprised. Instead of looking up How to Be an Olympian and leaving ‘WikiTips’ he should be looking up How to Not Be Jake Paul.
Fig. 5:
What I want to talk about here is the ad at the top of this image. I hate that literally googling something as generic as the Olympics means I’ll be blocking ads about SHREDDING FOR SUMMER for the next month. Here are 2 ads I got a few days ago:
OK MAMA I’d like to remind you that becoming “"UNRECOGNISABLE” and having a “BODY TRANSFORMATION” in 28 days / 2 months is
Impossible
Completely fucked
Not a goal that any sane person would have
If I wanted to become unrecognisable, I’d roll myself through one of those old-fashioned washing machines.
If you genuinely do feel this way, going to the gym for 18437 hours a week for the next month is not going to fix it or make you feel any better. Learning to like yourself will.
This feels like a salient reminder to not compare your body to those belonging to the most genetically insane, unrealistic, beautiful, and phenomenal athletes in the world. (who by the way, still get hate from people who have never touched a rugby ball in their lives.)
Anyway, this article about becoming an Olympian is actually not supposed to be inspiring or uplifting, as decided by the author, so let’s cut the positive messaging and be reminded about how your goals are shit instead.
Fig. 6:
…..brb crossing “being awesome” off my daily to do list 😔 I’ll never be enough for you people.
Fig. 7:
When will my reflection show who I am inside? If you wouldn’t chop off your finger to be able to compete in the games, it’s not for you.
(this is the swaggest thing I’ve ever heard. It’s like an anti-souvenir).
Fig. 8:
“You can go back to drinking boxed wine and watching bad movies with your non-athlete friends later.” Shots fired.
I can’t believe I am saying that Mark Wahlberg’s schedule actually sounds healthier than an Olympic athlete’s, but at least he has time between 7.30am-8am to lightly chat to one of his buddies while he golfs.
All this article has done so far is convince me never to become an Olympian. I am beginning to think that whoever wrote this wanted to instil the fear of god to ensure that they have less future competition. A great tactic I must say but I am onto them.
Fig. 9:
“Yolo just pick a random country to join.” Oh ok wikiHow. That’s obviously normal and completely achievable advice.
If I was an elite athlete able to have my pick of any country in the world, catch me getting citizenship to the one with the coolest Olympic kit. Which btw is South Sudan
Fig. 10:
Here’s one for the manifestation queens. If you see me practising the ‘biting the medal’ pose on the pile of chocolate coins in my room leftover from Easter, mind your business.
Also it is so real of Simone Biles and Jordan Chiles to be rehearsing the TikToks they wanted to make about winning. Finally some chronically online representation on the world stage.
Fig. 11:
I think the best part about the Olympics would be travelling to the Olympic Village and getting to hoard muffins with that Norwegian swimmer who looks like Mark Zuckerberg.
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Fig. 12:
This one I can do. I know I WOULD be working like a dog day and night with no plan B to be collecting those Olympic pins. I would know no rest, no sleep, only the sharp stabbing pain of success glinting through my South Sudanese blazer.
My Closing Remarks:
as a society we have so much brainrot that I nearly kept writing Ozempic instead of Olympic during this…GIVE ME BACK MY GIRLHOOD IT WAS MINE FIRST
Olympians are probably the most crazy people on earth to put up with literally any of this stuff. I commend them but greatly doubt all of their sanity. (If you’re reading this and you’re an Olympian, I’m sorry. Unless you’re NZ Olympic swimmer Lewis Clareburt who I tried to buy a “Fish of New Zealand” T-shirt off on Facebook Marketplace last year and you sold it to someone else for absolutely no reason even though we had a verbal agreement. I will never forgive you.)
The best olympic athletes of all time are my girls Beibei, Jingjing, Huanhuan, Yingying and Nini.
and not these abominations.
France literally has a built in mascot (Marianne), a girlie like ourselves, who was there ripe for the picking, and yet they still chose to animate a fucking HAT instead.
Oh well. Keep slaying w/ your yiddies out. Vive la révolution or woteva.
On the up side, Paris 2024 being the first Olympic Games in history with full gender parity on the field of play!
On the downside, they still refused to let French sportswomen compete in a hijab.
On the upside, they finally changed the stupid Women’s Volleyball Uniform!
AND on the upside again, in the Warehouse I saw that you can buy a Paris 2024 Techdeck skate ramp and it’s ONLY A LITTLE BIT PINK! It’s like we’re almost getting somewhere #NerfRebelle
Conclusion Fr this time:
All in all, what I want to say is if you’re a hot insane olympian currently competing the olympics I am free on Friday night. olympians if you read this im free on Friday night and would like to hang out. Please respond to this and then hang out with me on Friday night when I’m free. Except if you don’t want to drink boxed wine and watch bad movies in which case, as you were.